Byline: Dr. Mario Sacasa

Suppose after dating for a couple of months, everything seems good, but a lingering doubt hovers regarding the relationship. It seems almost inexplicable, but it remains. What should be done about it? You might find it fruitful to evaluate the relationship’s health with the following three insights.

First, ease.

Most people say that relationships require work. That’s true. There must be a genuine investment of time and energy for something to be meaningful. On the other hand, a relationship shouldn’t feel laborious all the time. There should be a sense of ease, fit or compatibility with the other person. This may sound like a contradiction, but it’s not.

Let me offer an analogy to better explain this. Recently, my third son started playing baseball. After years of playing basketball, football and soccer, he looks much more natural on the baseball diamond. I don’t know how to explain it, but baseball just fits him. There is an ease with the game that he didn’t have with other sports.

This is what it means to have an ease in a romantic relationship. It just fits. Trust that you’ll know it when you experience it. There shouldn’t be a constant heaviness or sense of dread when seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, you’ll be a bonehead at times, or you’ll have moments of intense disagreement, but those shouldn’t be the dominant experiences of the relationship. It should be a good fit.

Second, personal growth.

Another measure of the quality of a relationship is your own personal growth. After being in a relationship for a few months, ask yourself: am I a better person because of it? Is this relationship bringing the best out of me? Am I increasingly growing further into the person God created me to be? Or less?

These questions are important to consider occasionally, because a relationship is part of God’s plan to help you grow. If things are moving toward marriage, the evidence of personal growth is a telltale sign to help determine if the relationship is good. Jesus said to judge by the fruits (see Mt 7:16). So what fruits are you seeing? Are you growing closer to God? Are you becoming more loving, patient and understanding? Are you overcoming personal vices? Are you living more virtuously?

This is not something to obsess about, but it is important to be aware whether or not your relationship is contributing to your personal growth and development.

Third, companionship.

Friendship is at the foundation of every great romantic relationship. It doesn’t matter if you have been dating for 6 months or married for 60 years, friendship is the key. After a few months of dating, ask yourself, do you enjoy his or her company? Are there hobbies and activities that you enjoy doing together? Do you respect each other’s differences in perspective, personality and opinion? Is the love between you growing?

When you discern spending the rest of your life with a person, then you should enjoy being in their company. There should be growth in trust, where you feel like you can share more about who you are, including your past. There should be an increased desire to share all aspects of life together, even the seemingly insignificant moments, even if it’s geeking out over the latest Marvel movie trailer. As companionship grows, there is an increased desire to stand up for each other and be each other’s cheerleader in pursuit of dreams.

Finally, everyone has a type, or a list of things they are attracted to and expecting in marriage. No single person is going to meet that full list, so conflict will inevitably arise between your expectations and the actual person in front of you. This is good because it forces you to rethink certain values or ideals you had about relationships. In some relationships, a break up comes because personal values don’t align properly. But there are also times when you learn to choose the person in front of you rather than an idealized version of a spouse. This is all a reminder that dating is discernment and God’s will must be sought above all.

Dr. Mario Sacasa is a marriage and family counselor and associate director for the Willwoods Faith and Marriage apostolate. He hosts the Always Hope podcast. Read more on the Catholic Dating 101 series here.

Dating is hard. It consists of constantly putting yourself out there, trying to figure out if you are being too picky after a couple dates, not sure if the relationship is progressing well, and a general fear of commitment. To navigate the dating process, it can be helpful to start by gaining a better understanding of those questions through the lens of faith. By doing so, you will develop a better way of approaching the dating scene and some concrete ways of assessing the quality of your relationship. You also will know what to look for when considering a break-up. ​

Dating is Discernment​

Take a moment to remember why you are doing this whole dating thing. Dating is something more meaningful than a means for hooking-up and casual flings. Dating is primarily about discerning God’s will in your life — not the maximization of pleasure. The fruits of dating done well are learning to love another person and growing in your own personal development. With each relationship, we gain a better understanding of God’s plan for our lives.

Young adults will often say that discernment feels mysterious and tricky, mostly because we often forget that discerning God’s will is a practical endeavor as much as it is a spiritual one. Every aspect of our lives can be used by God for our personal growth in holiness. How we manage the fear and anticipation of going out with someone new, how we develop chastity when there’s chemistry and attraction, and how we grow in consideration of the other person’s needs are all ways God can form our sanctity. To this end, there are three helpful keys to approaching dating as a discernment process: prayer, reflection and action.

Prayer

Prayer in dating does not mean you commit to praying a novena and expect to serendipitously walk into your future spouse at a coffee shop. Rather, it is a prayer as a vehicle for dialogue and bringing your experiences before the Lord. Pray before your dates. Pray about what you experienced during them. Pray about your attraction and desire for the person you are dating. God wants to sort all those things out in our hearts, and prayer is the primary way that can happen.

Prayer in dating also means praying with the person you are dating, too. Early on it is good to establish that having a shared faith is an important aspect of the relationship. This doesn’t mean that every date needs to end in the adoration chapel, but just that you two are willing to bring God into the relationship and let him guide the relationship from the start. This also doesn’t mean that just because you pray that everything will work out. Shared faith is a foundational element in a relationship but not the only important quality.

Reflection

It is good to reflect on our own experiences in a relationship. What did we like or dislike in the first few dates? Is there a connection? Are they respectful of my boundaries? These are things that would be helpful to journal about (not necessarily every day, but certainly on occasion).

It doesn’t take much for reflection to become rumination, however, so we also need trusted folks in our lives to converse with to get ourselves out of our heads. Consider processing with friends and family the dates you’ve gone on. It shouldn’t be gossip or “kiss and tell,” but a way to make sense of your experience. These types of conversations can help us answer very important questions about our motivations and fears: Are you being overly critical of the date? Did you feel comfortable in his presence? Was conversation easy? What happened the last time you dated someone like that? Again, all of this is part of the practical way to discern.

Action

Now that you’ve prayed and reflected, you are freer to act and make decisions that support where God is leading you in marriage. For example, maybe you learned that dating co-workers makes things awkward at the office. If so, don’t date co-workers. It’s OK to have that boundary. God works within such experiences and boundaries. Engage with what you learn about yourself and see how God will guide you.

Dating done right will force you to grow. It’ll help you see God’s plan unfolding in your life. Through it, you’ll develop the virtues of courage, chastity and love, which are all needed for a lifelong marriage.

Dr. Mario Sacasa is a marriage and family counselor and associate director for the Willwoods Faith and Marriage apostolate. He hosts the Always Hope podcast. Read more on the Catholic Dating 101 series here.

It seemed like everything was going so well and then rapidly took a quick downward turn. But when you stop and think about it, you have known for a while that the relationship was not working out. So what do you do? How do you know if it is really time to break up?

Knowing when to break up is a difficult decision. Key factors to include in this discernment are timing, arguments and incompatibility.

Timing

It’s important to start this discernment by considering your current status in life. Are you in a major transition in your faith, school or career? Is there a lot going on interiorly that needs to be sorted through? Is it the right time to bring someone into such a messy situation?

Sometimes relationships don’t work out because there is a mismatch in each other’s timing in life. One might be ready for marriage, and the other might have just ended a bad relationship. One might be moving to a new town in a few months and might not be ready to commit to a long-distance relationship. It can cause much heartache, but if you trust in God’s will, then you will begin to see how it wasn’t meant to be.

Arguments

When assessing the relationship, it is important to begin feeling a certain sense of ease. Yes, every relationship has disagreements. In fact, not disagreeing from time to time is a sign of dishonesty and passivity, which is equally unhealthy for a relationship. Therefore, what you want to assess is the frequency, intensity and duration of those arguments.

Are you fighting too often? How do you know? According to researcher Dr. John Gottman the answer is to maintain a minimum of five positive interactions for every negative interaction. This “5:1 Ratio” is a good tool to assess how much is too much: staying above that line is wonderful, going below it is a bad sign for a relationship.

How intense are the fights? What are the nature of your arguments? Are there insults and name calling? Do you feel belittled and disrespected? Again, every couple has some disagreement, but it shouldn’t always lead to screaming or threats of violence (or actual violence); those are not signs of health for a relationship.

Lastly, how long do those arguments last? Is it a few minutes or a few days? Can you rebound from them? Can you process them afterward and feel some type of reconciliation or understanding? These are all things that you should consider, because if you are fighting often, the intensity of the arguments can escalate quickly, and you can’t seem to shake them off as easily, then those are all indicators that things are not going well.

This is measured over time. If you are having a rough patch because of new stress in life, that is different than being this way for a whole year. Once you become aware of an issue, address it and give yourselves an opportunity to change. If things don’t get better after three months despite your best efforts, then you have your answer.

Incompatibility

Sometimes, relationships fail simply because the personality differences are too much to overcome. And, yes, this can really hurt, because you could be wildly attracted to a girl that you know you need to break up with. They say “opposites attract,” and while that is true, you should see those differences as complementary not combative. You ultimately are looking for someone who brings to the relationship what you are lacking and vice versa.

Yet, even with those differences there should be some common ground. Is there agreement regarding faith and morals? Is there agreement regarding politics? Do you have shared interests and hobbies? Do you want the same number of kids? Do you agree about where you want to live? Is there mutual respect when talking about these things, or is one person forcing an agenda? If you two have wildly different answers on those issues, chalk it up to simply being incompatible and move on.

When considering a future with someone, take everything to prayer, talk with a trusted friend, and have conversations with your boyfriend/girlfriend. Grace comes through engagement and trust that God will lead you through this crazy journey toward marriage.

Dr. Mario Sacasa is a marriage and family counselor and associate director for the Willwoods Faith and Marriage apostolate. He hosts the Always Hope podcast. Read more on the Catholic Dating 101 series here.